14. Envy

14. Envy

the urge to look back

to sit two chairs over with dark shades and a headwrap

the need to know it all

to put you in a box and lock it up

nagging, prying

eating up my insides

sneaks in when I don’t notice

then strikes in a moment when

I don’t expect it

it’s like a fox in the night that

hides in my garage

creeps into my pantry

when I’m so happy and

I look over and you’re

laughing with

Somebody Else

it’s like a heart attack

like the envy’s been there all along

and I’ve just never noticed

Envy is really good at

keeping me up at night

she’s really good at dumping out

well-organized file cabinets

in my head

setting fire to rationality

putting lies in pretty landscapes

so they’re beautiful to look at

and easy to believe.

Envy blames the innocent for my issues

hates ones who don’t deserve it

obliterates the ones who do

forces cruel words out of my mouth


stains the only good things my life

has preserved for me

I try to kill her off with

poison and with logic

with kind words

forced out of my lips

and with what they call

unconditional love ?

but Envy seems to win me over by

the end of the day

it’s quite unfair

but I’m too weak to

fight off such a wicked disease

and Somebody Else’s presence being




more talented

more loving

more desirable than me

Envy convinces me of these things

and I clench, strangle

the one I love

til he slips away

and DOES go back to Somebody Else

self-fulfilling prophecy

my bedroom mocks me in the dark

because I’m not even left with

the chance to blame him

but I can blame my Envy

and myself for not being strong enough.

Envy sets me bear traps that

I somehow cannot see

and I fall into her giant spiderwebs

that leave me sticky and useless

and with the striking inability to love

I’m lost in vines that tangle me

constricting like they’re live snakes

I’m struck that I may never escape

I struggle,



scarred and