19. Fear

19. Fear

“somebody loves you,”

Fear whispers to me

or, more like a scream

of desperation

Fear and I can’t really function

without telling each other truths

that we really believe

are lies

Fear is a strangling force,

and oppression

an eclipse on every facet of me

He whispers things that I


need to hear,

but doesn’t sound authentic

there’s just enough of

a hint of sarcasm

to make me not believe.

Fear takes many forms,

wears many hats, as some might say

or like multiple personality disorder,

its main form is the lovely Insecurity

who wears suffocating yellowed pearls and

a pink pant suit made of wool

whose heels clack at a deafening decibel

til I can’t hear anything kind

but somehow cruelty seems to cut through.

Fear takes the form of Anxiety, who’s twins with


they walk hand and hand so far apart

they block the road

they’re sickeningly blonde that just

enhances Insecurity

that I’m not good enough

so I look around for signs of them

around corners and in the dark

when really, they love to parade themselves

in broad daylight, where I

can’t attack them.

Fear takes the form of Panic,

who is an athlete

he doesn’t use his skills for good, but to run

far and fast and long til he collapses

caves in, really

and I’m tied to him in that three-legged-race

and am paralyzed til

some doctors might fix me.

and finally, Fear takes the form of Terror

he mostly visits me at night

climbs into bed with me and puts his burning hands

on my back, under my shirt

and I can’t move

I’ve never seen his face, but I imagine

it’s like those demons from the horror movies

I wish I hadn’t watched

I feel his giant feet, but feet and hands are all I feel

and represent the things I’ll never see

and never know

and isn’t that most terrifying of all?

but in the end, Fear acts

like we’re old friends

him and all his sickly forms

when I really want to exterminate him

no gas or poison seems to do it

I’m at a loss.

The only thing I can compare it to

is walking around the

places I should feel most comfortable

and analyzing every move of

every living thing

and even pieces of furniture

lest they jump out and injure me

or even do it right in front of my face

I know my heart can’t handle it,

but maybe it’d be simpler just

to get it over with

would that kick out Fear?

would that smoke him out?

would that defeat him?

In religious terms, I think


is the devil

takes many forms,

never leaves

oppresses, strangles,

eclipses even on sunny days

maybe someday I will stand up

strong enough and learn to

carry a flashlight and find a better companion

in wise old Joy or homely Peace

but something in Fear’s eyes

makes me I doubt it.