“somebody loves you,”
Fear whispers to me
or, more like a scream
Fear and I can’t really function
without telling each other truths
that we really believe
Fear is a strangling force,
an eclipse on every facet of me
He whispers things that I
need to hear,
but doesn’t sound authentic
there’s just enough of
a hint of sarcasm
to make me not believe.
Fear takes many forms,
wears many hats, as some might say
or like multiple personality disorder,
its main form is the lovely Insecurity
who wears suffocating yellowed pearls and
a pink pant suit made of wool
whose heels clack at a deafening decibel
til I can’t hear anything kind
but somehow cruelty seems to cut through.
Fear takes the form of Anxiety, who’s twins with
they walk hand and hand so far apart
they block the road
they’re sickeningly blonde that just
that I’m not good enough
so I look around for signs of them
around corners and in the dark
when really, they love to parade themselves
in broad daylight, where I
can’t attack them.
Fear takes the form of Panic,
who is an athlete
he doesn’t use his skills for good, but to run
far and fast and long til he collapses
caves in, really
and I’m tied to him in that three-legged-race
and am paralyzed til
some doctors might fix me.
and finally, Fear takes the form of Terror
he mostly visits me at night
climbs into bed with me and puts his burning hands
on my back, under my shirt
and I can’t move
I’ve never seen his face, but I imagine
it’s like those demons from the horror movies
I wish I hadn’t watched
I feel his giant feet, but feet and hands are all I feel
and represent the things I’ll never see
and never know
and isn’t that most terrifying of all?
but in the end, Fear acts
like we’re old friends
him and all his sickly forms
when I really want to exterminate him
no gas or poison seems to do it
I’m at a loss.
The only thing I can compare it to
is walking around the
places I should feel most comfortable
and analyzing every move of
every living thing
and even pieces of furniture
lest they jump out and injure me
or even do it right in front of my face
I know my heart can’t handle it,
but maybe it’d be simpler just
to get it over with
would that kick out Fear?
would that smoke him out?
would that defeat him?
In religious terms, I think
is the devil
takes many forms,
eclipses even on sunny days
maybe someday I will stand up
strong enough and learn to
carry a flashlight and find a better companion
in wise old Joy or homely Peace
but something in Fear’s eyes
makes me I doubt it.