I’ve been waging this war
it seems years and years
I’ve spent only twenty-one here
but it feels like a lifetime has
come and gone
I’ve read all these books on
self-help and discovery
I’ve tried to rely on the laws of psychology
tried to look to my heroes for something
to hold onto
I’ve listened to Socrates, Plato,
democracy, staying in a remotely
but truth doesn’t live anywhere that I look
I’ve modeled my life after my favorite book characters
wished I could live under bright shiny lights
but lately I’ve tried to strip down to the surface
to realize that I am so empty.
When I was still little, my dad
that he saw in me the tendency
to run away from the people that cared
and to run towards achievement
recognition and glory
as if seeking applause might make me worthy.
but esteem and love are two different things
and I’ve learned that one fades and the other will linger
but now every day it just seems like it’s too late
like I’ve already ruined my shot
twenty-one years into life, and
I know it sounds stupid.
I’ve read that I’m drawn to the melancholy.
that I can’t quite be content unless drama arises
and something attacks me with
so maybe I cause this struggle within all on my own
to keep me alive and interested in
what I think that living really is
my dad always said that when I was on
It wouldn’t matter how many medals I’d earned
or how many people shook
my hand in congratulations
but it would matter the impact I’d made on others
the people I’d loved with all of my being
a love that I know I’ve been gifted with
gifted to love deeply, freely, selflessly
but in the last twenty-one years
that’s turned out to be a little bit
of a curse.
I sit in coffee shops
and regret the past
and I weep in my car
to my favorite sad song
and somehow I just
can’t escape selfishness
when my heart crushes reason
and my soul cries for justice
and I shut the world out
then I go and complain
that nobody loves me
I laugh looking back.
I’ve always been compelled to love
fully and strongly
one single person
but he hasn’t come around
I’ve been convinced otherwise
and I’ve lost what seems like
everything at the time
over and over
but this revelation says that maybe this love
that feels so unfulfilled
that feels trapped with no outlet
is meant for the world.
not meant for one person,
but for many
and expecting love in return
is just a cultural phenomena
a desire of the heart
that isn’t necessary, for
loving will fill me up
more than being loved.
so send me an angel
and bless me to hear
maybe I haven’t sought grace
or peace in the past
but I’m learning to
this revelation says
melancholy can pack its bags
I’ll let him visit once or twice a year
and I’ll get my fix
and I’ll move on.
I kept waiting for Joy to show up at my door
and I promised I’d welcome him in
as soon as hline did.
But now I’ve learned
good things don’t come easily
they don’t just show up
most of the time
we have to work for them,
we have to decide.
So I’ve discovered, and so I’ve decided.
Joy won’t arrive on the 5pm bus,
with a packed suitcase and a rent check
can’t wait anymore.
So I’m building a sign as tall as the sky
to welcome Joy in
to ask him to stay
Because I learned
somewhere along the way
Joy is as simple as saying hello
to a new way of living
that I’ve always known.