33. Revelation

33. Revelation

I’ve been waging this war

it seems years and years

I’ve spent only twenty-one here

but it feels like a lifetime has

come and gone

I’ve read all these books on

self-help and discovery

I’ve tried to rely on the laws of psychology

tried to look to my heroes for something

to hold onto

I’ve listened to Socrates, Plato,

democracy, staying in a remotely

gray area

but truth doesn’t live anywhere that I look

it seems

I’ve modeled my life after my favorite book characters

wished I could live under bright shiny lights

but lately I’ve tried to strip down to the surface

to realize that I am so empty.

When I was still little, my dad

would say

that he saw in me the tendency

to run away from the people that cared

and to run towards achievement

recognition and glory

as if seeking applause might make me worthy.

but esteem and love are two different things

and I’ve learned that one fades and the other will linger

but now every day it just seems like it’s too late

like I’ve already ruined my shot

twenty-one years into life, and

I know it sounds stupid.

I’ve read that I’m drawn to the melancholy.

that I can’t quite be content unless drama arises

and something attacks me with

beautiful pain

so maybe I cause this struggle within all on my own

to keep me alive and interested in

what I think that living really is

my dad always said that when I was on

my deathbed

It wouldn’t matter how many medals I’d earned

or how many people shook

my hand in congratulations

but it would matter the impact I’d made on others

the people I’d loved with all of my being

a love that I know I’ve been gifted with

gifted to love deeply, freely, selflessly

without reason

but in the last twenty-one years

that’s turned out to be a little bit

of a curse.

I sit in coffee shops

and regret the past

and I weep in my car

to my favorite sad song

and somehow I just

can’t escape selfishness

some days

when my heart crushes reason

and my soul cries for justice

and I shut the world out

then I go and complain

that nobody loves me

I laugh looking back.

I’ve always been compelled to love

fully and strongly

one single person

but he hasn’t come around

quite yet

I’ve been convinced otherwise

and I’ve lost what seems like

everything at the time

over and over

but this revelation says that maybe this love

that feels so unfulfilled

that feels trapped with no outlet

is meant for the world.

not meant for one person,

but for many

and expecting love in return

is just a cultural phenomena

a desire of the heart

that isn’t necessary, for

loving will fill me up

more than being loved.

so send me an angel

and bless me to hear

maybe I haven’t sought grace

or peace in the past

but I’m learning to

this revelation says

melancholy can pack its bags

I’ll let him visit once or twice a year

and I’ll get my fix

and I’ll move on.

I kept waiting for Joy to show up at my door

and I promised I’d welcome him in

as soon as hline did.

But now I’ve learned

good things don’t come easily

they don’t just show up

most of the time

we have to work for them,

we have to decide.

So I’ve discovered, and so I’ve decided.

Joy won’t arrive on the 5pm bus,

with a packed suitcase and a rent check

and I

can’t wait anymore.

So I’m building a sign as tall as the sky

to welcome Joy in

to ask him to stay

Because I learned

somewhere along the way

Joy is as simple as saying hello

to a new way of living

that I’ve always known.