22. Self-pity

22. Self-pity

he never gave me a chance, I  w h i n e

he never loved me a bit, I   c r y

playing the victim is a lover's game
forbidden love—which makes it all the more inviting—
Between me and the thrill of self-pity

oh, what a passion we have together
the arms that strangle me and I
a beautiful affair that's so
so tempting
so satisfying
so wrong

when I play the victim,
I feel their pity
like the sun on my hair

but somewhere along the way
it was twisted inside
so I fooled myself into thinking that
pity is love
adoration, even

I'm pretty small, always have been
in the sixth grade I was a foot shorter than my best friend
and now this size lends itself well to letting me
curl up in the tiniest ball and hide
my knees catch all my tears and I
don’t wash my jeans so my shame sticks around

there’s quite an indulgence to self-pitying
first I won’t wash my jeans, then I won’t leave my room
just so you will start asking questions
your worry must be the same as you loving me.

how attacked I must be
my poor, poor soul
surely these nails have taken a toll on my
hands and my feet
I display my scars too proudly

Some people will ask and I'll tell the tale of
my mother locked away in a jail, a bedroom that kept her from me
how that broke me
and the countless men that treated me like dirt under their calloused feet
oh what a pitiful life I have had
pity me, pity Me

there's a lot to be said for true suffering
but I've written three thousand and three poems on
a boy that broke me
so isn't that enough?

when my dearest friend
Accuses me
Of walking on fiery coals
Over and over again
After they'd warned me
They look disappointed and that
Tortures me
It must be enough.

but it's so easy to buy a ticket
Into the pity party
become the life of that party
become the star of your self-produced show
And realize that no one is watching

it's so easy to dwell on the misunderstanding
no one understands
the core of my being is being

but, misunderstanding so

easily turns into

selfish words and thoughts and actions

it keeps me from relationships

I could’ve had, men I

could’ve loved

life I could’ve earned

but in the end, I’ve found

out who I am

maybe I am misunderstood

maybe that’s the 1% of me that I’ll allow

to deal blame

but in the end, the essence of

everything I am