I’m feeling like I

don’t know what to feel

or what I’m supposed to

maybe if this was black and light

I could choose the light without a hitch

but instead it’s all a mess

so I sit in a grey phase


I wonder if you can fathom

that what you’re feeling

is nothing like what I am

and that could be my fault

that I allowed myself to feel

much deeper, love much



yes, I’ll admit that maybe

I put you on a pedestal

gave you the award

“man who’d never hurt me”

after all the ones who did

but you never asked for it

or deserved it, either,

I guess

since look what’s happened.


I really loved to idolize you

‘cause part of me wants to think

there can be good people

after I’ve had so many bad

I’d like to think that sometimes

people don’t leave

I’d like to think that this is just

some sort of crazy miscalculation

some nightmare or dream

some misunderstanding or miscommunication

cause you can’t really mean this.


I guess it’s a little too much to

put on someone

all your hopes and dreams

warning to the wiser ones than me

that no one is above reprieve.

that I truly believe now that you

have broken me


I wait around like I always have

with other men like you

for you to come back, for you to be true

but I realize that this time I feel different


we were built on the idea

(at least in my mind)

that you knew my past and wouldn’t repeat it

that you knew my fears of abandonment

and you wouldn’t embody them

so when or if you apologize

as sad it is to say, we’ll

never be the same.


the very fundamental of

the person that I thought you were

has disappeared


I will admit I’m angry



a feeling I don’t feel too often

overtaking sadness like it’s

dust to be blown away

anger just to hide the hurt

I can’t bear to let you make me feel


I’m sorry that I made you out to be

a better man that you really are

I’m sorry for the place I’ve put you in

expecting too much love

and I’m sorry that I can’t go on again with

someone who would choose

another over me

it’s just too hard, you see


in this lonely-filled place

still you cut me off like a diseased hand

after promises you’d stay

and more than hurt I am confused

and feeling stupid

for believing in you,