I’m feeling like I
don’t know what to feel
or what I’m supposed to
maybe if this was black and light
I could choose the light without a hitch
but instead it’s all a mess
so I sit in a grey phase
I wonder if you can fathom
that what you’re feeling
is nothing like what I am
and that could be my fault
that I allowed myself to feel
much deeper, love much
fonder
yes, I’ll admit that maybe
I put you on a pedestal
gave you the award
“man who’d never hurt me”
after all the ones who did
but you never asked for it
or deserved it, either,
I guess
since look what’s happened.
I really loved to idolize you
‘cause part of me wants to think
there can be good people
after I’ve had so many bad
I’d like to think that sometimes
people don’t leave
I’d like to think that this is just
some sort of crazy miscalculation
some nightmare or dream
some misunderstanding or miscommunication
cause you can’t really mean this.
I guess it’s a little too much to
put on someone
all your hopes and dreams
warning to the wiser ones than me
that no one is above reprieve.
that I truly believe now that you
have broken me
I wait around like I always have
with other men like you
for you to come back, for you to be true
but I realize that this time I feel different
we were built on the idea
(at least in my mind)
that you knew my past and wouldn’t repeat it
that you knew my fears of abandonment
and you wouldn’t embody them
so when or if you apologize
as sad it is to say, we’ll
never be the same.
the very fundamental of
the person that I thought you were
has disappeared
I will admit I’m angry
furious
enraged
a feeling I don’t feel too often
overtaking sadness like it’s
dust to be blown away
anger just to hide the hurt
I can’t bear to let you make me feel
I’m sorry that I made you out to be
a better man that you really are
I’m sorry for the place I’ve put you in
expecting too much love
and I’m sorry that I can’t go on again with
someone who would choose
another over me
it’s just too hard, you see
in this lonely-filled place
still you cut me off like a diseased hand
after promises you’d stay
and more than hurt I am confused
and feeling stupid
for believing in you,