How to work a fast food job

“No ma'am”

“Yes sir”

“Would you like a refill?”

“No, we do not give out birthday treats”

“I'm sorry, ma'am”

“How may I help you?”


Memorize a simple phrase or two

just do it.

But is it really that simple?


Imagine you show up and you're

a little heartbroken

And you ask a customer “how are you today?”

“Great, how are you?”

“Well, I just lost the love of my life”




You say, “I’m wonderful, thank you”

and act like their order of a hamburger - make SURE there's no pickles -

is the purpose of your existence


Really, working fast-food is

like living a lie.


not quite like lying to

your parents or your girlfriend

but you lie to strangers every day

and maybe that's worse

or maybe that's okay?


I think about it sometimes when I'm stuffing bags

with cold fries and telling the customers

“they came right out of the fryer”

or using expired beef ‘cause I don't really care

and my boss told me to


or like lying about how great you are doing

or that their screaming child is “so damn cute”

or that you don't mind cleaning up its throw-up

in the playplace

or that you can definitely stay two extra hours

‘cause family time definitely doesn't matter in comparison

to dealing with angry middle-aged women

and inappropriate comments from old men

you’d think the uniform would be unattractive enough


Now imagine you told the truth.

“Yes ma'am, I understand your complaint. Those fries have been sitting for two hours.”

“No sir, that beef is not fresh. You probably shouldn't eat it.”

“I'm doing terribly.”

“Yeah, your child might be cute if it could learn to shut up.”

“Your kid made the mess, you clean it up.”



but you're there because you don't have a college degree

not in debt

but stuck


so I guess here's the real conundrum

how to work a fast food job:

get a college degree

“Bachelor of Arts in Professional Deceit”